Love over 35?

SECTIONCODE: 47- feature- 35

SECTION: feature

SUBSECTION:

HED: Too late for love?

SUBHED: Will women find The One after 35? The long and the short of the answer is: unlikely, writes Angie Wong

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TEXT:

Experience is sometimes measured in years. And by the time you are 35-years-old, you’ve likely learned a thing or two about the "courtship narrative". It used to be spelled out like this: attraction, dating, engagement, wedding, babies. But something in the narrative has been disrupted.

Spring break sexual liberation led to numerous and nameless hookups; drink-induced flirtations led to numbers you don’t remember inputting in your SIM card; boys who once fancied you in school led to Facebook friendships; a series of low-commitment relationships led to you saving yourself for someone better.

But then you’re 30. And then you’re 35, and you are still spring-breaking, drinking and flirting, Facebook spying on boys from school, or worst, your exes, to see how far in life they’ve gotten. Quite far, according to their family pics and links to their wives’ Facebook pages. Hmmm, you think to yourself as you stroll through her profile, that could’ve, should’ve, been you.

It’s not too late, you think. But you also start to believe you may be getting a little old. The problem is the window between the time you realise you are no longer a young swan and you’re entering middle-age is a very, very short space. A few years at best.

Don’t wait too long, as the old saying goes, or else the train may pass you by. This is a real consideration if you believe in the numbers.

Quite simply, there are more women than men in Hong Kong. The Census and Statistics Department divided the sexes in Hong Kong as 3.3 million men to 3.6 million women in 2008. And the numbers get scarier when describing 35-year-old single male to female ratio: 50,100 to 67,000. It continues to fall at age 37: 47,300 single men to 68,000 single women, and it tumbles each year thereafter until both sexes level off at 55. The age of brides peaked at 29, at 3,835 brides in 2008, and fall every year after 30. At 35, there were 1,539 brides. At 40, there were only 628. male figures If we are just looking at numbers, Hong Kong’s environment is not a lucrative breeding ground for holy unions.

And environment is a funny word—because we create much of it. I looked at the reasons why other countries such as Jamaica and Iran had the best success rates when it came to marriages. Religion plays a big role; social/political unrest drew people together (safety in numbers); the lack of transient (read: expat) lifestyle was another; strong family values and associations were pluses; work-life balance is key (the average Hongkonger worked 22 percent more hours per week than recommended by the International Labor Organization); Money was also a big factor –more money, more breakups.

We’re not Iran or Jamaica, we’re Asia’s World City. We’re also a city of one million expatriates, politically muffled, and frequent flyers. We are applauded for career titles and rewarded for our financial success. Al these things add up to a crippled dating arena.

Hong Kong is a materialistic, career-obsessed, selfish place. And if you believe in the Chinese principle of yin and yang, the harmony of balance in the world, then something’s gotta give. If we are going to put our energy into accruing money, hedonism, and material needs then there’s a flip side. The balance of that are the symptoms: more money, less personal time; more sexual partners, less meaningful relationships; more material goods, less blue skies. If modern self-fulfillments were the goals, these are its consequences.

We are also a city of over-achievers. We did everything our parents told us to: we got good grades, went to good schools, secured good jobs. So what happened? “Mothers should think twice before telling their daughters these things,” says Violet Lim, founder of Lunch Actually, a dating service which has paired off more than 200 couples and 80 marriages since 2004. What mothers and television series forgot to tell them was for every dollar females makes above her man, the chances of their relationship failing goes up, and every year past the age of 29, the percentage of getting married drops.

“The reason you are still single is because you are too career-minded” says Lim. “When I used to work at a bank, my female colleagues were married to their jobs. They were too time-stretched to meet anyone.” According to Lim, guys respect career-oriented women for her achievements but less for being their equal. Men believe they’ll have a harder time providing for her if she is an equal or in a higher position than him and might feel insecure about her, which goes against even the mildest of feminist teachings.

Also men are looking for femininity, “not necessarily strong women,” says Lim. “Some women challenge everything, which is what women are attracted to in a man, but not what men are attracted to in a woman.” She suggests women to get unharden and “wear more ruffles”.

It is, without say, that looks play an important role in the game of attraction. As the saddle bags set in, the rings around her eyes gives a resemblance to Beetle Juice, and hair grows in places she never imagined possible; women have to invest a lot to look competitive in the dating market. An entire anti-age industry is built upon it; the promise of youth is a US$96.89B a year business and is expected to reach US$291.9B by 2015, according to Global Industry Analysts. A plastic surgeon who works in New World Tower, says the majority of his clients comes in for first-time procedures after her thirtieth birthday. A fitness trainer, who works in Central, says most of his female clients start training in the early or mid-thirties, and following a major break up.

Girls grew up idealising marriage, believing it’s some sort of divine spark, and in their dating prime women will walk away from uninspiring boyfriends that would’ve made them happy when considering him as a husband or father of their children. But what they held out for all these decades (true love), has back fired as time passed, and they’re now described to eligible men as “mature”. In Lori Gottieb’s famed article in The Atlantic Monthly, she argues: “Those of us who choose not to settle in hopes of finding a soul mate later are almost like teenagers who believe they’re invulnerable to dying in a drunk-driving accident. We lose sight of our mortality.”

When asked whether women in their mid-thirties will find long-lasting relationships in Hong Kong, Lim takes a long silence before saying: “Hong Kong men are more open-minded to date older women over 25. But most single men who come into Lunch Actually request to be paired up with women 35 or below.” And what were the company’s success rates for finding a mate for 35 + women? “It is hard for us to find them someone,” she admits.

These are the consequences of a super competitive market. One 36-year-old expat female dater who plays her chances with online dating sites describes the market like this: “With some very keen local girls it’s hard [for] a Western woman to compete!”

For Western women it is undoubtedly more difficult to find suitors. An Australian female who, at 35, swapped her prominent financial position in Hong Kong for a lesser position and lesser pay in London describes this:

“I found it hard to meet anyone who was stable and wanted a long-term relationship [in Hong Kong]. I also found the majority of men were more interested in local women and the pool of nice, normal, single, available men much smaller. I did not want to end being 40 and single in Hong Kong like so many other western women I saw there.” Moving to a city where there was less of an expat penalty in the dating pool a big boost for her ego. “Men [in London] find me attractive and I don’t have to compete with Asian girls,” she said over an email. She, like other expat women I spoke with, said they first considered moving out of Hong Kong to find The One at 34.

“Guys usually don’t choose older women… The cut off age is 32-33,” a 34-year-old male consultant says. He adds that men shouldn’t feel like they are the bad guy for opting out of a woman 35 or older. “Biologically, and logically, it’s better to choose younger women if [the man] wants to have children. It’s just a smart decision.”

But not all guys agree. “I want to have kids,” said a 33-year-old business developer. “It’s cliché, but I want a mature partner. Women over 35 have a better sense of security; they are more settled, and grown into their habits. I know what I want in life. What I’m not looking for is someone on a journey or discovery. I want to know who you’re going to be at the end of the tunnel. If I’m dating a 26-year-old, how the hell am I going to know who they’ll be at 30?”

“If I want to play around I look for someone who’s 25, if I want to settle down I look for someone who’s 35,” one late-thirties musician dittoed.

You hear a lot of “if it happens, it happens,” “we’ll see what god has in stored” or “It’s up to fate”. It is rarely advisable to completely leave finding The One in fate’s hands when you know the odds are against you. If you are determined to complete the journey that many have failed, (of course you are you over-achiever), then may we leave you with some ideas.

Lim says, be vulnerable, drop the mask, and change your patterns. Before dates, leave the powersuit at the office and slip on a black dress. Get feminine. Just be out there. Accept every invite. Drop your criteria list and be open-minded to men of all shapes and sizes and income levels. But the most important message is to stay positive. “Men are like dogs, they can smell desperation,” says one 34-yer-old art trader.

A 36-year-old singleton, who admits to lying about her age, describes this: “I always try and be optimistic. I always accept invites from new people to parties. I think most of my single friends accept that you will not find the one in Mes Amis, apart from one who swears by Dusk Till Dawn,” (her friend has a preference for pilots). She also suggests joining wine tastings, tennis clubs, and enlisting her friends for pair-ups. Though she says whatever you do, stay out of Wan Chai.

The problem of finding The One is actually not a problem at all. It is that the references we have for the process are outdated for modern times. We lack the traditions of the “courtship narrative”, but that doesn’t mean we are broken. It just means it doesn’t work for us anymore. Marriage rates are down, worldwide in cities, but there are contributing factors. The world has changed. We put religion aside and stopped persecuting unwedded co-habitaters as sinners; second-third-fourth marriages are more and more acceptable and common; we’ve moved out of the political arenas to focus on ourselves; and we’re making a whole lot more money. It’s not all bad. It’s just different. And we just need to stop griping and embrace it, even if we fear the unknown.

Box:

Yes, the odds are stacked against women over 35, but if against the odds you are persistent. You can integrate into an unwed dead man’s patrilineage. “Ghost brides”, as they are called, will receive the family’s wealth, power and have the ability to be independent without the interference of a living husband. But they must take a vow of celibacy, and immediately take up residence with his family. On the flipside, a ghost groom marrying a dead bride does not have to stay celibate.

Dining Xpress for Professionals, Wed 3 Feb 2010

Participate in this dinner date with a twist! Meet a new dining partner at each course. Take time to savour each course, as you get to know your dining partner! Price $500 per person.Tel: 2524 5020