33

Thirty-three is the largest positive integer that can’t be expressed as a sum of different triangular numbers. It is also the temperature when water boils on the Newton scale. A normal human spine has 33 vertebrae. Jesus was reportedly crucified in 33 A.D., when he was 33, after performing 33 miracles. Thirty-three is the jersey number for basketball players Patrick Ewing, Scottie Pippen and Shaquille O' Neal. It’s also the number of years Manchester City Football Club has gone without a trophy. It’s a significant number in modern numerology. ‘33’s are also known as long playing records, or LPs. Thirty-three is the number of victims that were all killed in the Virginia Tech Massacre in 2007. The United Nations symbol has 33 segments. '33' is a Nigerian brand of beer. In Masonary the 33rd degree is the highest possible degree (thanks Dan Brown). It is the atomic number for arsenic. ‘33’ is one of the symbols of Ku Klux Klan (K is the 11th letter in the alphabet, and it appears three times, 11 x 3= 33, KKK). Thirty-three is the coming of age of hobbits in J. R. R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. And that’s where our story takes us today. A coming of age story about 33.
Having hopped over the thirties wall, and now watching squeamishly how my recently-30 girlfriends splattered over the otherside, was a scary event. And without pause I'm now seeing a repeat, this time to my Schadenfreude, with my guy friends turning 33.
Within the course of two months, I’ve had four separate conversations with close friend-boys about their quests for finding the right girl so they can settle down. They say quest, I say panic because this is my second time watching this film.
When a guy's in heat, I'm not sure if I should stay away or embrace it. I offered my help to my guy friend B, age 33 last June, who spent two hours over dinner talking about how he is looking for the one and how he needs to start popping out kids. He is (sort of) my ex, and naturally I’m sad he is maturing to this now, and not when we were dating. I offered to line up my single girls for him, the top guns, the BLTs (brains, looks and talent), the Anne Hathaway-marriable type. But he was offended by the offer, "I can get girls no problem." So do I just listen or do I offer solutions, I ask you?
When guys panic, they are pretty proactive about it. My friend J, also 33 as of last June, is interviewing potential wives by having exgirlfriends live with him for two weeks at a time to see if they are, again, compatible. Other guy friends are going online, using compatibility sites such as eHarmony to match their personalities, only then to use sites like Date Search to gawk at candidates’ criminal, property, and tax situations. “Guys go through two different processes when they are looking for a girlfriend verses a wife,” said my eligible friend H, who turned 33 in September. “If he hasn’t stumbled on the one already, then by the time he hits 33, he is not fooling around anymore–until he hits his midlife,” he said brushing forward his hair to disguise his receding Jude Law hairline.
I wondered about the factors: hair loss/ wrinkles/turkey neck; pivotal successes in careers; the purchase of a first home (empty of anyone to share his kingdom); the volatility of today’s markets and the uncertainty of whether he can capture a hot girl if he loses his job; pressure from his mother (also older sisters). “Maybe, I’ve dated too many assholes and I’m looking for a nice girl,” H injected.

Over a smokin’ Korean grill at Sorabol, I was having this same conversation with my favourite married couple Andrew and Clara. "Thirty-three is the new 28," Andrew said, age 30. "It used to be that guys thought they had to be married by 30, so at 28, he starts to panic. But that bar got pushed, and now the acceptable age to get married is 35, therefore 33—panic.” He has a way of making everything clear. “Also, after a certain age you become known as the 'old guy'. None of us want to be in that position and single."
"Are you thinking about marriage Angie?" Clara asked.
"Pushing 30 I was,” I said. “Post 30, I'm not as excited over the prospect. But I kind of want to get my first marriage over with." I joke, but there is truth to my word.
To push for commitment at 30, I know well now, is based on panic, and not a sensible time to make a milestone decision. Once 30 comes and goes, the panic subsides (well, for me), and I would advise girlfriends to be cautious with those months leading up to 30. Don't make any rash decisions when you have no idea what force is driving you. Best to make the most important decision you’ll make in this life time, choosing a partner, when you are sober.
So I'm going to wait, just a little bit longer until I can make rash, grown-up decisions. Because, though jaded as I am, I do only want to walk down the aisle once.